


Shingi

by JanaRumpandRCJawnn (JanaRumpandRCJawwn)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Canon Compliant, F/M, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 08:12:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15926417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanaRumpandRCJawwn/pseuds/JanaRumpandRCJawnn
Summary: The first time Tadashi had sex it was… not what he’d expected.





	Shingi

**Author's Note:**

> 真偽 [shingi] - true or false, authenticity

The first time Tadashi had sex it was… not what he’d expected.

He and Tsukki had just started university, having passed to the same one albeit in different courses, and were spending a typical evening together working on neverending assignments with mixed results, sitting on the ground of his new but tiny place. Tsukki would stay until late every other day before taking the train home, often after they eventually got distracted with some music videos or fed up with their books enough that the temptation to procrastinate with a documentary or two was too great.

This time though, some things had been offbeat. First Tsukki sat closer than usual, touching thighs and brushing arms at odds with his usually pretty strict bubble of personal space. Then came the fidgeting - a page spent too long on while its tip was bent over and over, tapping fingers. Tadashi was one deep breath away from finally asking if something was wrong when suddenly Tsukki was right there, lips on his.

He wasn’t exactly surprised, though caught off guard. They’d been so close and intimate for years now, Tadashi couldn’t have helped but wonder many times how it would feel to just go for it and kiss like this. For a second it felt natural, but soon self conscience kicked in - it’s not like he had much experience at this and he didn’t want to disappoint, didn’t want to ruin this moment that felt so fragile already.

One heartbeat, two, and Tsukki was leaning back, looking into his eyes that he hadn’t even had the presence of mind to close. They didn’t talk, barely said any words as Tadashi tipped forward to kiss some more. Hands on his face went to neck, arm, waist, under his shirt. Soon they were laying on his permanently unfolded futon (abhorrent manners, his mother would have said, but Tsukki never had cared about such things), too soon they weren’t wearing most of their clothes. The handjobs were messy, Tadashi uncertain if he was doing anything right until there was cum spilling over his fingers. He came too, at some point, and then they just laid there for a while.

“I’ve been thinking about that for so long.” Tsukki finally broke the silence, still panting, hand still splayed on his hip. Tadashi smiled at him, kinda at a loss of what to say, but that seemed to be enough. Tsukki was the first to get up and bring wipes for both of them, retrieved their clothes and even gave Tadashi a cup of water that he sipped on without really thinking.

They spent the next half an hour glued at the hip, laughing at bad music videos until it was time for Tsukki’s train. Off he went, just like any other day though with a spring in his step, and there stood Tadashi, staring at the closed door.

His chest felt heavy, somehow, and he didn’t quite know what to do at the moment. Going with the mindless flow he went back to the futon, only to notice the smell of sex and be strangely unsettled by it. The only thing he did with any considerable amount of energy that night was rip the covers and stuff them into his hamper before laying down without bothering to put on new sheets.

To be honest, he didn’t know how he was feeling about this new development, thoughts fuzzy enough that he chose not to poke them too much lest he tip over. He took a long time to finally fall asleep.

 

…

 

The next time it happened, he’d been drunk. 

Very, very drunk to be precise - distastefully so, Tsukki would say. But then Tsukki wasn’t there to criticise him, because he never came along to any party, and to be honest right now Tadashi really didn’t want to think about him. Didn’t want to think about how weeks had passed and no word had been spoken about them sleeping together, about how that could only mean Tsukki would prefer to just forget it, which in turn probably meant Tadashi had really sucked at it after all.

And that unshakable train of thought had finally led him here, on a stranger’s bed, said stranger straddling him, her dress just bunched up at the waist. Good thing she’d took care of the condom situation, because he felt too dizzy to look down. 

Being with a girl felt kind of the same, now that his mind had wandered back to Tsukki and he couldn’t find the will to stop himself - him feeling mostly lost, attention to his cock that felt like too much, all taking too long but over too soon all the same. He wasn’t even making sense, was he? 

“Fuck.” That slipped off his mouth without much input from his brain, but the girl rocking above him didn’t seem to care much, speeding up on whatever she was doing before stopping with a shudder. She soon rolled off of him, eyes closed and smile bright. Tadashi took a few moments (minutes?) to get up and dispose of the (empty) condom, stumbling to get dressed and get out without more than a “good night” thrown over his shoulder.

He never knew how long he took to get home that night, but the next morning he ached in places he hadn’t even known he could, head feeling heavier than a ton.

 

...

 

After that, it was with a friend from one of his classes.

They had been working on their final project for anatomy together at his place, ironically enough. Leo was an exchange student only there for the semester, so once they had actually emailed the paper to their professor any hold ups seemed to be over. Tadashi had been more or less flirting with him for a while now, so finally making out was a score of sorts.

Leo was fun and caring and unsurprisingly experienced, making quick work of his clothes while somehow maintaining a stream of anatomy puns that had him trying and failing not to ugly snort. This time at last everything seemed to be going well, Tadashi was keeping a grip on his anxiety and not feeling his movements too awkward, and when Leo began to suck him off it was actually pretty good - not as fantastic as multiple medias would imply, but nice, and to be honest at this point he was grasping at straws to not feel like a disaster at sex.

He got off and then immediately traded places on the futon to return the favor. Once he had his mouth full though, it was like a switch being flipped. Nausea replaced any thread of concentration and enthusiasm, and seconds later there was Tadashi retching into his toilet. Leo didn’t take long to leave after that, event if he did try to see if everything was okay or if Tadashi needed anything (the lie about a sudden stomach bug convinced exactly no one), and he was left feeling pathetic once more, just now reaching a new low. 

 

...

 

The first person Tadashi talked about all that was his therapist. 

Maybe keeping the fact that he was no longer a virgin from her for more than a couple months hadn’t been the brightest idea, but in his defense it seemed mortifying to describe just how bad he was at sex to someone, no matter that it was literally her job not to judge him. It took long moments of stuttering and more that a few tears for him to spit it out - for him to admit how he’d somehow done it all wrong, how he honestly couldn’t figure out why sex was so hard for him when it seemed to go just fine to everybody else.

His weekly hour was spent trying to put his thoughts in order and making an effort to accept her reassurances that there was nothing actually wrong with him, that he didn’t have to feel the same as anyone else or want the things others did. It did calm his anxiety somewhat, but he couldn’t help but feel very alone anyway.

 

...

 

The second one was Hitoka. 

Tsukki had been his best friend ever since they’d first met, but she’d become just as import and close to Tadashi’s heart over the last few years. Now that they had both graduated and then moved to different cities it was harder to find quality time to spend together, but with some adjustments here and there they made do.

This time he was to one who went to Kyouto for the weekend, all the way mentally preparing to open up to her as she had so many times before. He knew whatever he said would be safe with her, but bottling up had become something of an expertise of his along the years.

Her apartment was nearly as tiny as his, but much comfier and well organized and smelled of flowers, surely benefitting more than a little from Kiyoko’s care for detail. Tadashi had a corner and a guest futon that were his for whenever he came, and there he sat now, cup of tea in hand and his friend clutching a matching one by his side. Shimizu was at work, and for a few hours they had the place all for themselves.

He cleared his throat, interrupting the line said by whichever character was on screen right now, he honestly wouldn't know. His heart beat a bit too hard, his mouth was dry but his stomach too tight for him to dare take even a sip from his cup.

“I-”, he stuttered, licking his lips to no avail. “Do you know what asexuality is?”

Hitoka turned to him then, but he couldn’t look at her just quite yet, didn’t really know what he would find there. 

“Well, yes? I... don’t really know much about it, now that I think of it.”

Her tone was hesitant, but not confused, and certainly not mocking. Tadashi shouldn’t have expected all that in the first place, but anxiety did strange things to one’s way of thinking.

“It’s just… I think that I might be that. Asexual.” Finally saying these words was a relief he hadn’t known he would feel, and at last Tadashi felt brave enough to look her in the eyes. Hitoka didn’t seem to know what to say, as was often the case with both of them, but then she pulled him into the warmest of hugs and everything felt more than okay.

They didn’t talk much more about that that night, his quota of vulnerability very much filled for the time being, but as soon as he got home two days later it was to find a dozen of links she’d shared. If Tadashi teared up at that, it was only for him to know.

 

…

 

Being alone with Tsukki in his place, the night dark outside and paper spread all over his floor, felt like déja vu. Now that he let himself relax and put a pause to his overthinking, they had never gone back to that old personal space bubble. As Tsukki nodded to the rhythm of the song playing from a little speaker, Tadashi could feel it jostling his own arm ever so slightly. As Tsukki sighed in derision at whatever he was reading, Tadashi’s pages shuddered with it. As the time passed and all he felt was the comfort of being together, Tadashi gathered the courage he could have had all along.

“I have something to tell you.”

Tsukki stiffened in place, though his voice didn’t betray any emotion at all.

“What about?”

Turning to his best friend, Tadashi took the leap he should have quite some time ago.

“About that night, when we... slept together.”

“Oh.” The tension shone through at that, in his small voice, in his shoulders that hunched over the smallest bit. Tadashi wondered how he’d never considered this before, that maybe Tsukki had just been waiting for something to be said too.

“I guess sex isn’t really my thing. Like, at all.” 

Tsukki finally looked at him them, frown moving his glasses so little anyone else would have missed it (Tadashi had always found it sweet, though). He opened his mouth, closed it, looked back down. Tadashi guessed he should make himself clear already.

“Kissing you, though, _that_ I’d like to do again.”

“Hum.” Tsukki faltered, adjusting glasses that had never gone down to begin with. “I’d like that too.”

There’s no time like the present, Tadashi guessed as this time he was the one to lean in. There would be a lot to talk about later, at some point, but right now he was more than happy to appreciate what he had. A warm hand on his tight, soft lips on his, eyes closed for once.

**Author's Note:**

> This little introspective piece says a lot about myself that I still find hard to put into words, I hope it brings someone comfort as it would have brought me 
> 
> There is nothing wrong with trial and error, we are all figuring ourselves out a bit more each day
> 
> Many kisses,  
> Jana


End file.
